a home make me tonight

In this, the year of our marriage 1 (otherwise known as 2012), I see, hear, feel changes come.

Changes to our own lives, and changes to everything around us.  I don’t know.  For the time we were engaged, which was 21 months worth, it felt like the world was in a state of suspension.  I was so focused on one big project, and for me and my mental/familial baggage, having a successful marriage was sort of a big life goal.

I was stuffing wedding invitations and talking with some friends on Super Bowl Sunday about abandonment complexes.  Good stuff, right?  Well, said complex was pretty bad in my own life, but it’s obviously gotten way better.  My husband is worthy of every heap of praise I toss in his direction, and even more.  Possibly we’re already getting to the “take each other for granted” phase.

(Sidenote: this is going to sound like totes dumb but on an old No Doubt album where Gwen Stefani waxes nostalgic about being almost 30 and pretty pissed off waiting for her man to settle down, there’s a song called “Home Now” and she says “I want to take you for granted / and see you regular.”  Dumb as it may be, that always resonated with me.)

The year of change started off almost immediately with divorce/break-ups of friends.  BUMMER CITY.  Now it’s starting with the parents of kids I work with.  EXTREME BUMMER CITY.

And another thing: I’m trying to fix bad habits, so I can y’know, live a long life and have money to spend at some point in the future.  (It doesn’t help that I’ve been working so much/gotten so distracted that I actually made my car payment twice last month – no joke.)  Which means I have to replace certain joys with other things.So much in the mold of Liz Lemon, you take a quick & easy fast food fix away from stressed out me, and there’s not much of a happy ending.

The hubs and I have been laying low.  It’s been pretty quiet around here.  Maybe more social time is what we need?  In college, that used to be the cure for all ills – wake up on a Saturday before Christmas break and talk to my roommate for seven hours.  No joke.

And call it obnoxious, but I saw this on Pinterest this afternoon and started to cry:

OH SWEET JESUS.

Many, many, many of our friends are choosing to remain childfree, (just fyi – the link is interesting but a little…defensive sounding?  and seriously I get the career thing but choosing a “hobby” over what for most people is a biological urge?).  Which means things change at a slower pace among our group of friends.

But those who aren’t childfree are starting to get pregnant.  And starting to expand.

I talked to a friend of mine for a good long while on Monday night, and that was really a good thing.  And we were talking about kids, and about that future, and I said, “I’m not much interested in babies.  Babies are time consuming and spitty and poopy and vomit-y and such…we do want to have kids, but I can’t wait until they’re actual little people.”

Sure, there are some things that will come in the way first.  But I don’t know.  I look forward to it, sure, but I’m not yet ready.

With just about every other goal in my life thus far – college, career, marriage, I found the target, and I zereoed in on it.  Yes, even marriage.  There was  a lot of crap along the way to finding The One, but once I found it there was just no turning back.  That’s kind of how I roll.

But I am so not ready for kids yet.  I imagine approaching kids the same way I approach all of these other various life goals, and I just do not have the chutzpah for that yet.  Nor the time management, nor the housekeeping skills.

Maybe that’s the goal, the change, that has me the most freaked out.  The wedding thing we nailed.  The finding each other in a generally uncaring world, done.  Staying healthy (i.e. not secretly eating McDonald’s or Miami Subs 4-5 times a week because I’ve gotten used to it) and not perpetually broke is a challenge.  Always.

Giving up almost 3 decades worth of self-centered-ness?  That’s going to take some work.

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