Tag Archives: miami

needed to delete an e-mail, but first…

…I had to figure out what blepharoplasty was.

I mean, I could have wikipedia’d it, but then where’s the fun in that?  (And yes, “wikipedia” is also a verb.  So is “bit torrent”.  It has been for years.  If “blog” can be a verb, then so can “wikipedia”.)

Additionally, the wikipedia entry on blarneypasty contains more graphic images than are contained here.  Unless you watched all of those shows from TLC & Discovery channel before all of their shows were about Mormons and midgets.

Let’s back up a minute.  I get the Miami Groupon deal of the day.  It’s actually not so bad – it’s how I got our engagement photos done (and we loved the photographer).  $10 photo sesh?  Yes pls.

But most every single day I delete these Groupons.  But today, my curiosity got the best of me.  For only $1,299, you too could get blurghyphotoed!

In actuality, blepharoplasty (okay, seriously, the actual word is no less ridiculous than the words I made up AND spell check doesn’t recognize it, either) is a surgical modification of the eyelid.  Groupon sez that you want to use it to prevent looking old.  Which is how you get so many 60 year old women with 35 year old faces and 80 year old bodies in South Florida.  Obviously.

I think that living down here has actually made me less looks conscious.  Okay, so once I tried the hemorrhoid cream on my face to counteract puffy eyes (and damned if it doesn’t work!).  But more than anything, I just don’t care.  I rarely wear make-up.  I guess I try to take good care of my skin, but then I leave my expensive organic skin creams in my desk at work and then I forget about them.  I don’t color my hair.  I rarely ever even paint my nails.  I wear earrings to feel girly.

I don’t know why I remember certain snippets so much, and others not at all, but I recall an interview with John & Theresa Heinz Kerry (who still kick ass) from years ago, talking specifically about babies’ levels of certain not-so-hot chemicals when they are in utero, and how those chemical levels drop dramatically when the baby is born.

That’s because the mother is putting on lotions & potions & hair dye and the such.  Mothers care a great deal as to what they put in their bodies when they’re pregnant, and not what they put on their bodies.  And to put it midly, lots of not super tested chemical buildup is not really good for anyone.

My complexion & coloring may be more at home in Dublin, but I love my fair-skin-dark-hair-even-in-a-tropical-climate look.  I don’t know that I want to ingest lots of solutions to change that, ever.  And maybe the key to youthfulness and looking young isn’t blagophisty or hemorrhoid cream on the lower eyes (I’ll stop I’ll stop), but just shielding oneself from the sun, drinking lots of water, sleeping, and not imagining that rubbing some stuff on your skin or cutting fat off of your eyelids (EW!) is going to keep you looking good.

At least, that’s my hope.  As long as I’m stuck within a 100 mil radius of Miami.

What else have we learned here today?  I am immediately jumping on marketing Blarney Pasties, for those black-out St. Patrick’s nights, and proposing a reality show about Mormon midgets who teach couponing classes.  Instant riches.  I’ll be in the 1% before I know it.

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Go Mavs

I live in South Florida.  I do not want the Miami Heat to win the national title.  I am irritated that they’ve made it this far.  Why? For a number of reasons.  Well one short one and a really long one, both relating to my childhood.

1) Living in Florida as a young kid in the late 80s, when we got the first two Florida teams as NBA expansion teams, I lived in Central Florida.  Thus, the Orlando Magic were a somewhat central theme to my childhood and adolescence.  I really enjoyed watching them play the Lakers in the NBA Finals two years ago, despite the outcome.  I learned that watching high stakes sports  I was emotionally invested in was a huge motivational force to clean my apartment.  More than ever.  I was very sad to see the Magic fall so early this post-season.

2) Then there’s that whole Lebron deal.  That guy sucks.  Back to two years ago, I delighted in the fact that Dwight Howard had busted up the Kobe/Lebron battle that was supposed to be the NBA Finals that year.  I hated Lebron then.  I still hate him now.

The whole stacking the deck down here in Miami smacks of playground politics.  I feel like I’m back in elementary school…

(insert crazy harp runs and wavy visuals that invariably indicate we’re going back in time)


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Filed under nerds, sports